HOW TO BE A DRUNK ASSHOLE

The next time you're at home preparing a healthy meal for yourself, en route to a good night's sleep, you might want to consider instead the route of the drunken asshole. Always a crowd pleaser, barrel of laughs and guaranteed good time for all. How might one achieve such stature? Read on, good friend...

Asshole Friends

 Be sure to have a slew of your asshole friends around during times of drunkenness. They're your inspiration and motivation. It is important there be at least one person present to guffaw and laugh real obnoxiously when you say something funny. Without a crowd, your stunts fall prey to being less effective. After all, what's a play with no audience? Your friends are your followers - you must nurture them. If you don't have friends, that's ok. It's so easy to make a friend for a night at any well-known drinking establishment.

How do you do this? Easy. It's called alcohol. Go someplace where alcohol is served. Like, a bar. Sit down. Order five of anything that's to your liking. A pitcher of beer, perhaps. Once you're on the road to being well soused, it's time to look for some partners-in-crime.

Don't know where to look? No problem. Let your eyes trail the room until they settle upon the bar. Usually you'll find a few good folks proppin' it up. Aim your body in that direction. Plunk yourself down, mutter something profound at whoever's closest, raise your glass in the air and clink it against your neighbor's glass. Viola. You have a new friend.  

Things to comment on

Be sure to hold nothing back. Offend as many people as possible by discussing sensitive issues like religion, battle of the sexes and/or politics. Ask everyone if they're racist and when they say no, tell them a horribly offensive joke and when it's over, high-five your friends whilst laughing hysterically at the joke you just made. Repeat the punch line again, if necessary. Attempt to make as many socially awkward moments as possible. Uncomfortable silences are great opportunities for one to blurt out random, stupid comments.

Make brief, meaningless observations about everything, especially if it's irrelevant to any part of your life.

For example:

"You know what really gets on my nerves? Velcro."

"You know what I hate? Squirrels."

"You know who I think is a real big jerk? David Hasselhoff."

This should really annoy people. Stop in-between stories to order more drinks. When someone fires a retort in your direction be sure to inform them that they're in the wrong, and slap the table very hard for emphasis. Pointing in their face is great too. Regale everyone with stories about how great you are. Disagree with everything they say, make lewd comments and wisecracks about their appearance, weight, outfit and lifestyle. Be sure to name-call as well. Get your friend(s) in on it.

For example:

"Dude, isn't Henry a LOSER!? Just look at him!"

"Yah, LOSER. Ha ha, good one!" 

Make sure you're both pointing at Henry too. Good. This is effective because it is highly immature and it makes people actually believe that Henry is in fact, a loser. And you come out looking like an obnoxious, drunk dickhead. Which is exactly what we want. It's genius. They'll be congratulating you all night long. 

Upping the anteBe sure to hit on as many people in the same vicinity as possible. Try and find someone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend and make sure you get caught in the act. If you're ballsy, make a couple ass-grabs. Stare rudely at someone if they have an obvious deformity. Single out the insecure ones and put them on the spot by asking inappropriate questions. Get someone to buy you a drink and then give it to one of your friends or smash it on the floor.

Buy a round of shots for everyone at the bar except for one person. Like that Henry guy you called a loser previously. Don't buy him a shot. Then, get everyone you did buy a shot for to count to five together real loud and then take your shots at the same time. This will make Henry feel sad and left out. Then you should speak up and make sure it's loud enough for Henry to hear you say,

"Boy, that was the best shot I ever had. Don't ya'll agree?"

This will make Henry feel even more sad and left out. Ha ha.

Wear one of those T-shirts with a vulgar comment on it like:

• Bite me
   
• I fucked your mother
   
• Eat shit and die 

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is an easy way to get your asshole point across. It's the lowest form of humor, feeding off of other people's comments. It's a no-brainer and always so nasty.

For example:

"Yah Henry, I looooove talking to you soooo much. Because I think you're soooo smart."
  

Top 5 Rules of asshole drunkenness

1. It's always your turn to talk

2. You are always right

3. You are the most intelligent person in the room

4. Nothing you do is stupid.

5. Know when to get the fuck out of there because you've offended too many people and they outnumber your drunken ass. 

Congratulations. You're an asshole and I'm drunk.